A Message of Hoop and Change

I have a serious political question.

And it isn’t: “When the world doesn’t turn into a utopia and everything remains roughly as corrupt and wasteful as before, will folks use cognitive dissonance and blame all the reasons the administration blames or will they be honest and lose their starstruck hero-worship eyes?”

Such a cynic, I know.

It is this:

When Obama plays basketball, how is he defended? This Big Picture photo shows him playing hoops with some NBA folks.

Yes We Can Defend

So do they let him win? These guys play basketball for a living. Certainly they could embarrass him if they played at full strength?

I mean, let’s say you spot an opportunity for a big juicy block in the paint. Do you jump up there and slam it down in his face? Or would that mean you become the new exercise ambassador at Gitmo?

Do you elbow him for space when going up for a rebound? Or do you fear that letter that comes on January 20th with the IRS insignia that says you are being audited for tax returns dated back to when you were in your mother’s womb?

God, and what if you injured him? Stepped wrong and broke his ankle? Papers across the country would be linking you to various basketball-related terrorist organizations.

No, thanks. I’ll just ball with McCain. He can’t lift his arms over his head, so it should be a little safer for all involved.

I wonder if Obama is a ball hog. Does he call “pussy fouls”? Does he take an extra step? I mean, you don’t argue with the Man in Charge of Nuclear Weapons. Never.

Anyway, hoops is much more interesting for news-clips than the jogging that Clinton did or the kitten strangling that Bush did.

On Hygiene

If I were running for president, a plank of my platform would be that anyone who is found guilty of having pissed or dripped on a public toilet seat should have to be tied down while fifty strangers piss on them. Unless they get off on that, in which case they will have to clean public toilets for five years and then be executed.

Also, “driving like a damn idiot” will be a Federal High Crime.

Probably Lexcorp, I’d Imagine

Who designs the stuff at party stores?

I wonder because the bar seems pretty low. Thanks to my new phone, I have some examples.

Firstly, let it be known that I’ve worked with DC Comics before. They are sticklers. Superman’s cape is too red. It’s not red enough. Superman can’t be injured. Except by kryptonite. And you can’t have kryptonite. Because Superman always wins. And so on and so forth. So how does this happen:

Is that… a Superman piñata? You are telling me that someone at Warner Brothers or DC Comics said: “Yeah, bullets can bounce off him, but let’s license a product where kids can beat Superman with a small stick, break him open and feast on the candies inside.”

That’s just not right.

But this is worse:

You may not notice this right away, but what’s coming out of the clown’s hands? Is he being crucified? You get thirty-five points for ringing the stigmata, but you can get a whopping one-hundred for ringing the clown’s erect left nipple.

I’m not going into party stores anymore. They confuse and scare me.

Super Saver Sandbag

I order a LOT of junk from Amazon.com. I do this because I like how they have everything I could ever want to consume (books, DVDs, music, games, gadgety bits, even sports equipment) in their database, which I can store using their “wish list” in one convenient place. I’ve always liked surfing from product to product seeing where my interests take me. In fact, I was in a Barnes & Noble this week with the girlfriend and I was paralyzed: I didn’t know where to browse! I pined for my Wish List and for a Recommended List.

So needless to say, I’m a fan of their site. I’ve been ordering from there since May 1999.

However, since their debut of Amazon Prime, the shipping scheme for suckers and compulsive buyers, I’ve noticed that the speed of their free shipping option has been steadily declining. Now, I’ve always been of the assumption that the different shipping rates were based on the costs of the shipping partner to get the product from their warehouses to my doorstep. Clearly, this was incorrect.

I ordered a couple books on Monday. These books were listed as In-Stock. Yet in checking my Order Tracking page, these items will not even ship until the 27th, eight days after I ordered. This isn’t the week before Christmas – I know they cannot be hammered by unexpected activity. So what is causing them to just sit on my order for eight days? My guess, and it is only a guess, is that they want to skim money off the top on shipping fees and force people into their idiotic Amazon Prime conjob.

Zappos, on the other hand, provides free shipping (both ways if you need to return something) and the time between warehouse and door is usually 2-4 days.

Providing inferior service on purpose has never been a strategy that succeeds in the long term.