That was quite a date, Niko. I’ll have to admit, I thought I’d seen a lot of Liberty City, but I’d never seen anything like today. You called me at 4 am. What were you doing up at that hour? Don’t you ever sleep? Anyway, I assumed you didn’t realize what time it was, so I asked you to call back at 8. You were very polite. At 8:09, the phone rang again. You wanted to go on a date. At eight am. Ok, cool, I had you pick me up at work for some reason, even though I clearly just got up. I’m not even entirely sure how I got over there! Such is the crazy life of this city.
You pulled up in a car I’d never seen you drive before. Our two previous dates you picked me up in one of those airplane towing things once and in a police cruiser once. So I was glad to see you pull up in a normalish Perennial until I noticed it was a little beat-up. And I say a “little” in order to be nice. But the ride was pretty smooth, up until you grazed that police car. Then we went on that tear around town trying to lose them. You hit an, I’ll admit, pretty sweet jump and despite my screaming, you were able to shake them pretty quickly. You would think they’d be diligent enough to keep looking for you after about ten seconds of being out of their vision, but we’ve all heard the stories about Liberty City’s cops. Lazy and Gun Happy, I hear. LC’s finest.
After that, you were driving a little loosey-goosey. You slammed into that dude by the bridge pretty hard. I was glad I was wearing my seat belt! But then his car burst into flames and he went running across the road aflame, screaming madly. I thought we should get out and exchange insurance information, but you felt we should just keep driving. I guess since I don’t drive much, I’m not up on what is auto-etiquette these days. Is it different in your home country or am I just out-of-touch?
Well, we tried going to the comedy club, but it was like ten in the morning at that point… did you really think they would have a morning matinee? But you were smooth and pulled a handbrake U-turn thinking I wouldn’t notice. Oh Niko Niko Niko. The fast food place we ended up was okay. I don’t normally eat fast food, but surprisingly, all that adrenaline kicked up my hunger. That burger was a delicious breakfast!
By the way, that suit you were wearing would have looked absolutely hot but it looked like it was covered in blood! You didn’t even seem to notice! Did you just come from a slaughterhouse or something? I mean, I washed my hair for the date, the least you could do would be to put on some clean clothes.
So I don’t want to be ungrateful because I’ve never had a date like that. But when we pulled up right now and you leaned over and I smelled the mix of blood and gunpowder and burning exhaust and Burger Shot Special Sauce, I’ll admit I got a little nauseous. So it’s not that I don’t like you Niko, I just didn’t think it would be too classy to vurp in your face is all.
So I’ll see you later. That helicopter you were telling me about sounds like a lot of fun. Let’s try that next time. Dates were never this interesting back in San Andreas! Ta ta!